This is Volume 1
Go To Volume 2


Anyone Lose a Cat?
Idle Thoughts of a Retiree
The Lord's Baseball Game
Nun Grading Papers
Beautiful Whale Story
Cop Pulls Over Speeding Car
What they Said 56 Years Ago
How To Start A Fight
25 Great Truths
All 21 Puns Intended
Bob Hope In Heaven
Disorder In The Courts
Men's Tools
Harry Truman's Road Trip
Stop Cutting Trees
Will You Marry Me?


ON TURNING 70 -- "You still chase women, but only downhill."

ON TURNING 80 -- “That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."

ON TURNING 90 -- “You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

ON TURNING 100 --"I don’t feel old. In fact … I don’t feel anything until noon. Then … it"s time for my nap."

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING -- “I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them."

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR -- “Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it’s called at my home, ‘Passover’" ON GOLF -- “Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."

ON PRESIDENTS -- “ I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER -- “When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham."

" ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL -- “I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."

ON HIS FAMILY"S EARLY POVERTY -- “Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS -- “That’s how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES -- “I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn’t for the stuff the audience threw at me."

ON GOING TO HEAVEN -- “I’ve done benefits for ALL religions. I’d hate to blow the hereafter … on a technicality."